The "R" Word

I had a friend leave me a voice mail the other day. He was very apologetic and all and I could tell in his voice he was truly sincere. He was calling me because he made a comment in the presence of me and Alex and some other folks. It went something like - "I can't believe I did that - that was so retarded."

He used the "R" word. The word that means slow.

Here is what I wrote him:

Thanks for taking the time to apologize but please know there wasn’t one necessary.

“Retarded” is not my favorite word nowadays … but the truth is, it’s in our culture, it’s part of what we say to communicate. Chris and I have developed pretty thick skin on this. There are more important battles to be fought than removing the word “retard” from the English language. I am not sure what Alex thinks, or that he even understands the word. I guess for me, it’s what is in a person’s heart that determines the meaning of the words they say.

For me, words are not intrinsically good or evil. I used to call on this older guy who was the owner of a restaurant on the West side of town back when I was a food salesman. His name was Joe. I was 25 years old; he was probably 55. I would walk into his small, but packed diner every Wednesday morning to sell him food. He would yell out across the room, “Hey, you @#$! kid!” And then he’d smile and say, “You want some breakfast?” Then he proceeded to throw some potatoes and onions on the grill for me – they always tasted great and he never charged me.

“ @#$! Kid” was probably one of the nicest things he could have said to me because it was one of Joe's terms of endearment; it was his language, and I was good with that. He liked me and I liked him. So, it was ok at that time at that place. That word didn't mean to Joe what it meant to me.

I have heard the word "retard" only used once in a way it bothered me. Alex was about 5 and playing in our back yard with a kid … the kid got mad at Alex, walks up to him with contempt in his heart and says to him under his breath, “You stupid retard.” and walked away - that one about crushed me. I think it was the first time I recognized the future Alex could face.

But that incident also helped me repent. It caused me to remember the kid who lived down the street from me. Jeff was a pure soul with a degree of Autism that was probably just slightly less severe than Alex’s. Unfortunately, I didn’t understand Autism and what it meant back in the 80's. I just knew Jeff was weird and that he was pretty much thrown into our classroom without much explanation, so most of us had no idea of who he was, where he came from, or why he acted that way. I think that freaked us out and we didn’t really know how to handle it. So, my friends and I did what any insecure, jerks would do: we made fun of him when he wasn't around. I was a pretty good actor in high school and I could do a “Jeff” impersonation that was dead on – I mean dead on. It got me lots of laughs at parties.

I don’t know if Jeff ever heard my impersonation of him or if he had, ever understood my mockery. I sometimes wonder if his mother ever saw or heard about it. I sometimes imagine how she would have felt had she seen my display. I mean, I was supposed to be a good kid! I imagine how it would have reminded her of what a dark and cruel place the world could be. It cuts me to the core thinking about that – it convicts me beyond explanation.

There are not many things that hurt a parent more than seeing their child mocked.

It helps me remember the outrageous love of a God who actually chose to place his child in a position of mockery for a dark and cruel world’s sake. He actually chose that for His Son.

He chose that for His Son ... for us.

It is beyond me to express or even understand that kind of love, but I am grateful for it.

About Alex

If you know me very well, you probably know that I have a fifteen year old son who has Autism. If you have been to our church or been around me, there is a good chance you would have seen him or heard me talking about him. He is pretty hard to miss: very loud and moves around a lot. He can be difficult to understand because he has unusual speech patterns and usually speaks to himself in the third person - often during quiet or inappropriate times. He repeats phrases again and again while rapidly tracing letters with his index finger in the air as though he is writing out his thoughts on an invisible chalkboard. His laughter is high-pitched, loud and contagious. He sings a lot - his choir teacher once told us she thought he had perfect pitch. He knows the titles and writers of countless songs and movies. He remembers people's names with frightening accuracy and he has a great understanding of direction. He used to tell us what exits to take on the toll road when he was six when we took long drives. Alex has an effective IQ of about 88. He can read and write at a 2nd or 3rd grade level. He is driven by time and gets frustrated if something doesn't happen when it's supposed to. He has difficulty remaining focused enough to accomplish even the most basic of tasks like getting dressed. He almost always puts his shirt on backwards. Personal hygiene is a challenge. He can go into a panic if he feels like he is alone so we make sure that an adult is with him 24/7.

I have never written about Alex before but I think you should know who he is. My wife, Chris and I have shaped our lives around Alex and the disease that affects him and thousands of other children around the world. He has become as much of who we are as we are. Over the course of my life with him, I have felt that God has spoken to me through him; sometimes through the miraculous and sometimes through painful experiences. I will probably be writing about some of those but I thought it important I introduce him to you, first.

Let's Help Send a Much Needed Message

My friend (who happens to be my boss, too) Tim Stevens is writing yet another book. This one is his first solo effort and I am proud of him for taking on a big personal challenge like this. He is writing about how churches can leverage popular culture to reach the lost. I think it's going to be very helpful to churches all over the world.

Tim is doing some research on subtitle selection and is conducting a survey. I completed the survey, and it was kinda fun and only required a few minutes. If you would like to join in the process, I think it could help get out a message the church needs to hear. Have fun ...

http://www.leadingsmart.com/leadingsmart/2007/11/help-me-pick-a.html

How Far is Too Far?

As Pastor of Creative Arts, my office is located beneath our stage. When our bands play I can hear them - I feel them too, because we have a pretty cool sound system. So, I usually don’t work at my computer while the band plays but its Thursday night and rehearsal is almost over. All that is left is the instrumental prelude for the band to practice and I begin to type.

And then I hear it - that all too familiar guitar riff. You know that one riff that forces you into an involuntary muscle contraction resulting in an air guitar solo? Yep - that one.

The riff I hear through my ceiling is indelibly etched in my mind – my roommate in college played it at least fourteen million times. I can’t immediately recall the title of the song or the band. And then it starts coming to me…Randy Rhoads…. Ozzy Osbourne … Crazy Train…and then the band hits me

Black Sabbath. Oh no, I am playing Black Sabbath in church this weekend!

I break into a cold sweat. Could it be that this time I have gone too far?

During our Arts workshops people sometimes question me about using the Art of popular culture in our Worship services. After all, the use of “secular” art seems contrary to Paul’s directive in Romans 12:2:

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. …

The truth is there probably has not been a worldlier band than Black Sabbath. Not good, right? But later in 1 Corinthians 9:22, Paul also says:

To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some.

There seems to be a paradox here. But perhaps what Paul is saying is there needs to be a balance between two things: conformity with the world and isolation from it.

Paul was an amazing evangelist living in multiple worlds himself: He was a Jew, a Roman citizen, and part of a largely Hellenistic society. Additionally, he was a part of the Church. I am sure he realized the need to be apart from the world but he also dealt with the reality that in order to reach the people around him, he had communicate with them on their terms. So, the question bears asking:

How do I know when I am too far into the pattern of this world?

I think Jesus gave us a great model for figuring that question out in the Sermon on the Mount. In Matthew Chapter 5, Jesus said, “You have heard it said, ‘an eye for an eye’ but I tell you do not resist and evil person.” He said this about several issues: Murder, Adultery, God’s Laws, etc. He took the thoughts of the culture and refuted them with His Divine Truth,

You have heard it said ... but I tell you...
You have heard it said … but I tell you…

You have heard it said “I am going off the rails on a Crazy Train” … but Jesus tells you, “Everything will be made new…”

I think as long as we keep our focus on the second half of that statement , I think our worship will honor God and help us reach those he has asked us to find,

My Greatest Leadership Mistakes: Failure to Appreciate the Artistic Temperament

When you hear the word "artist," what adjectives come to mind? Come on ... we know some of those less-than-positive descriptors:

Emotional
Temperamental
Dramatic
Spacey

They remind me of how I felt about artists when I was 25. You see, I was in this horrible rock band called “Dead Silence.” It was named after the way our wives responded when they heard our music for the first time. We were one of those basement band that should have stayed there. Somehow we managed to escape and find places that would actually pay us. It was amazing how many musicians went out to hear other musicians.

I met some interesting artists who came to the bars to watch us play.

The unfortunate thing was after a while I found myself putting all artist into little boxes. I had this notion they were mostly like this guy ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d54UU-fPIsY

Yep. Instead of viewing artists as the wonderful creations God Himself crafted to bring Beauty into the world, I thought they were a little out there … a little arrogant … perhaps even a little weird.

Please know I don't think that today. But the problem for me was that when I first started leading artists, I may have brought some of those stereotypes into my subconscious leadership mindset.

For me, hanging onto those stereotypes resulted in the sin of superiority and as a result, there could have been this little piece of latent jealousy that said, “I am not as talented musically, but at least I’m not like Nigel over there.” I think leaders of artists have big obstacles whenever they think they have superiority over the people they lead.

I think this manifested itself in the way I made decisions for our team. That is, I moved without taking adequate time to get (or simply dismissing) the input of my artists. I made decisions quickly, expecting the artistic temperament to just catch up and "get over it." Big mistake.

Nancy Beach in her book, “An Hour on Sunday” suggests that artists simply “feel” more. I agree with that. I think they do feel more and that allows them to channel great passion and emotion to create beauty and wonder for the rest of the world. Because artists feel more, I have found two things that seem to be irreducible minimums when it comes to leading artists and navigating the waters of the artistic temperament:

Artists require more of your time.

A few months ago, I entered into a conversation with a member of my team who is enormously talented and a person I respect and admire. We are good friends and I think he would say all the same things about me. The conversation was about tighter deadlines. To me, the case I presented to him was completely reasonable, logical, and absolutely apparent. I thought the conversation would last 5 minutes and we would go out to lunch. I think the conversation took about 2 hours. We ended, in a really good place, but I did not anticipate all of the energy that was there. This was good, passionate energy. It was discussion that needed to happen to effectively move forward.

Which leads me to this point:

Artists need to feel heard.

Don’t we all need to feel like we matter? That our opinions count? I think even more so for artists because God has given them great passion about what they do. I don’t think you can have great artists who are not passionate and personally invested in their art. It’s really quite impossible in my opinion.

I have found that if an artist disagrees with a direction I propose, it is important for me to at least acknowledge and consider their opinion. So, I have found it is important I provide a framework for discussion to occur; that I create a space for listening. This is increasingly difficult as the pace of ministry and the size of our team and ministry grows. But I realize this must happen. Some of the ways I am attempting to accomplish this is by scheduling regular meetings with those I would otherwise not often see, managing by "walking around," and keeping my door open during my working hours. I think these strategies have been helpful in that usually one of three outcomes occur: I realize I was wrong and change to a better plan, I am able to give the person a new perspective and they accept the plan, or we "agree to disagree." I think any one of these outcomes ultimately increase the effectiveness of the ministry and that is great for our Church.