The "R" Word

I had a friend leave me a voice mail the other day. He was very apologetic and all and I could tell in his voice he was truly sincere. He was calling me because he made a comment in the presence of me and Alex and some other folks. It went something like - "I can't believe I did that - that was so retarded."

He used the "R" word. The word that means slow.

Here is what I wrote him:

Thanks for taking the time to apologize but please know there wasn’t one necessary.

“Retarded” is not my favorite word nowadays … but the truth is, it’s in our culture, it’s part of what we say to communicate. Chris and I have developed pretty thick skin on this. There are more important battles to be fought than removing the word “retard” from the English language. I am not sure what Alex thinks, or that he even understands the word. I guess for me, it’s what is in a person’s heart that determines the meaning of the words they say.

For me, words are not intrinsically good or evil. I used to call on this older guy who was the owner of a restaurant on the West side of town back when I was a food salesman. His name was Joe. I was 25 years old; he was probably 55. I would walk into his small, but packed diner every Wednesday morning to sell him food. He would yell out across the room, “Hey, you @#$! kid!” And then he’d smile and say, “You want some breakfast?” Then he proceeded to throw some potatoes and onions on the grill for me – they always tasted great and he never charged me.

“ @#$! Kid” was probably one of the nicest things he could have said to me because it was one of Joe's terms of endearment; it was his language, and I was good with that. He liked me and I liked him. So, it was ok at that time at that place. That word didn't mean to Joe what it meant to me.

I have heard the word "retard" only used once in a way it bothered me. Alex was about 5 and playing in our back yard with a kid … the kid got mad at Alex, walks up to him with contempt in his heart and says to him under his breath, “You stupid retard.” and walked away - that one about crushed me. I think it was the first time I recognized the future Alex could face.

But that incident also helped me repent. It caused me to remember the kid who lived down the street from me. Jeff was a pure soul with a degree of Autism that was probably just slightly less severe than Alex’s. Unfortunately, I didn’t understand Autism and what it meant back in the 80's. I just knew Jeff was weird and that he was pretty much thrown into our classroom without much explanation, so most of us had no idea of who he was, where he came from, or why he acted that way. I think that freaked us out and we didn’t really know how to handle it. So, my friends and I did what any insecure, jerks would do: we made fun of him when he wasn't around. I was a pretty good actor in high school and I could do a “Jeff” impersonation that was dead on – I mean dead on. It got me lots of laughs at parties.

I don’t know if Jeff ever heard my impersonation of him or if he had, ever understood my mockery. I sometimes wonder if his mother ever saw or heard about it. I sometimes imagine how she would have felt had she seen my display. I mean, I was supposed to be a good kid! I imagine how it would have reminded her of what a dark and cruel place the world could be. It cuts me to the core thinking about that – it convicts me beyond explanation.

There are not many things that hurt a parent more than seeing their child mocked.

It helps me remember the outrageous love of a God who actually chose to place his child in a position of mockery for a dark and cruel world’s sake. He actually chose that for His Son.

He chose that for His Son ... for us.

It is beyond me to express or even understand that kind of love, but I am grateful for it.